Not On My Campus

By Quentin Stuckey

Act 1, Scene 1

CAMERA MAN

You said we were getting dinner. What are we doing here?

NEWSCASTER

Covering the story of the decade.

CAMERA MAN

At this place? What’s so special about a university campus?

NEWSCASTER

Don’t you pay any attention when you’re working?

CAMERA MAN

I just point and shoot. That’s it.

NEWSCASTER

Spicer University has been nothing but a hot bed for scandal,
controversy and outcry. The public can’t get enough of this place.

They eat that shit up.

THE CAMERA MAN turns around and examines the campus behind him.

CAMERA MAN

Aw man. Is the place that accidentally hired that Neo-Nazi to come speak to the History and Politics majors?

NEWSCASTER

They claimed it was a mix up. We were right to not believe them.

CAMERA MAN

And the Faculty Sex Scandal? That was here too?

NEWSCASTER

That’s right. And the Stale Bread Fiasco, and the Graffiti
Catastrophe, and the Dating App Attack and of course… the Night of the Neo-Nazi.

CAMERA MAN

Wow.

NEWSCASTER

Yeah, what a week that was.

CAMERA MAN

So, what have they done now?

NEWSCASTER

Point, shoot and pay attention.

CAMERA MAN

I’ll try.

THE NEWCASTER adjusts his hair as THE CAMERA MAN holds up the hand-
held studio camera directly in front of him.

CAMERA MAN

Three, two, one and…action.

NEWSCASTER

Good evening, I’m a common newscaster… with a new haircut. I’m
currently standing in front of Spicer University, home to over twenty
thousand undergraduate students and the last time I checked: thirty
graduate students. In the past this educational institution has been
known for its innovative programs fostering the brightest, most
articulate minds of this generation. But, lately, this has not been
the case. From Neo-Nazis to stale bread: this campus has seen better
days. And now, a new controversy is currently spicing things up at Spicer.

CAMERA MAN
Your puns aren’t funny.

NEWSCASTER

Just point and shoot Gus. (pause) Last year, the enrolment rate at
this school saw a dramatic decrease; putting Spicer under serious
financial trouble. The President of the university, Floyd Swift, has
recently come under scrutiny for his new plan to increase enrolment
and cut costs. He blames the low enrolment rate on a variety of
circumstances, but he mostly points the finger at the caffeine
consumption of the students. As such, Swift is determined to remove
all on campus cafes, coffee kiosks, vending machines and impose a
campus wide ban on all caffeinated beverages. Swift states that this
plan would save the university thousands of dollars as the cafes,
kiosks and vending machines cost a fortune to maintain and Spicer
receives none of the profits. At least not enough, to quote the
President. As you can well imagine, many students do not take this proposed ban lightly.

ENT MARDI JERRY, KATHERINE KANE, STUART GOLDBERG, ARIEL BROWNE and
STUDENTS.
MARDI, KATHERINE and STUART are all in front of podiums CS, with ARIEL
BROWNE and various STUDENTS gathered around each individual podium.
All three are delivering a speech, however each speech is self
contained.

MARDI

Fuck you, Floyd Swift!
The STUDENTS surrounding her podium cheer.

MARDI

I am a student, just like the rest of you. And when I’m on this
campus, pulling an all nighter to put the finishing touches on my
essay, I have the luxury of walking to the on-campus Starbucks and
buying myself a grande sized double double. Caffeine is a miracle
worker, I wouldn’t have made it to my third year without it. And
Spicer University thinks that they can take that away from me? Away from all of us?! Well, not on my campus!

KATHERINE

I applaud you, Floyd Swift. I lost my father to caffeine.

STUDENT

Your father died of a caffeine overdose?

KATHERINE

Car accident. Which never would’ve happened had he not stopped at
Starbucks and as a result taken a different route to work where that
Ford Ranger was practically waiting for him. (pause) Look at all the
conclusive research conducted by the Spicer Health Department. They
discovered that caffeine is ten times more harmful than alcohol,
tobacco, marijuana, MDMA and cocaine. If people need to do a few lines
to help them focus, okay. I am young just like the rest of you. But
drinking coffee in its pure, black state and even lacing it with dairy
and sugar. That’s just gambling with your life! And, there are people
out there who want to keep that junk on campus for our misguided consumption?! Not on my campus!

The STUDENTS surrounding her podium cheer.

STUDENT

Stuart, how do you feel about this whole coffee thing?

STUART

I’d love a cup. Thank you!

STUDENT

No, no. I’m talking about the proposed caffeine ban.

STUART

Oh, that business. They want to ban soda too? Like Root Beer?

STUDENT

Yeah. Soda has a high caffeine content. So, it’s out.

STUART

I really have no strong feelings about that.

STUDENT

None?

STUART

None. I just really think that you should all vote for me as your Student President of Spicer University.

Awkward silence.

STUDENT
Is that it?

STUART

What more do you need? My name is Stuart Goldberg, I’m a second year
Psychology student and I think I’d do a swell job of representing the
students of Spicer University as your Student President.

STUDENT

You’d be working alongside Floyd Swift, is that correct?

STUART
Yes.

STUDENT

Would you try to talk him out of the caffeine ban or would you support it?

STUART

I told you, I just want to win. (pause) Can we remove this person? But give him one of my t- shirts first.

STUDENT

But what if you don’t win? What if one of the other candidates beats you?

STUART
Not on my campus!

A small number of students cheer.

MARDI

Vote Mardi Jerry and your voices will be heard. We can work together to defeat the Evil Empire of Spicer University.

STUDENT

“Star Wars” references are outdated.

MARDI

No. What’s outdated is President Swift and his ill-treatment of
students so that he can save a few thousand dollars. You might as well
take away our study spaces if money is so important, wouldn’t that save Spicer a few thousand? Maybe a few million?

KATHERINE

Racism, sexism, ageism, every kind of ism would not exist on this
campus if it weren’t for caffeine. Maybe some of you think that you
look badass sipping on your to go cup, showing off some disposable
motivational quote. But do you know what’s more badass? Saying no to
drugs in travel mugs and yes to the Spicer University Caffeine Ban!

STUDENT

Katherine! What do you think of your opponent: Mardi Jerry?

KATHERINE

Miss. Jerry? A third year Arts & Contemporary Studies major, as well
as a Pro-Caffeinator. Let me tell you something about Mardi, she spent
a semester at Greenwood before transferring to Spicer. Making her an
illegal alien! She’s not even from here! Is that who you want to elect?

STUDENTS

No!

KATHERINE

Wouldn’t you rather have a fourth year English student who has stuck
by Spicer through all the multiple scandals and still believes…
KATHERINE begins tearing up.

KATHERINE

I’m sorry. I just thought about my father and how proud he would be if I were your next Student President. I miss you, Daddy.

STUDENTS (sympathetically)

Awe.

STUART

Opinions, facts and theories are overrated. Educational institutions
are overrated. Educate yourself for crying out loud. Stop asking me questions and just vote for me.

STUDENT
But why?

STUART
I just told you why.

MARDI

Caffeine ban? Not on my campus! Vote Mardi Jerry!

The STUDENTS surrounding her podium cheer.

KATHERINE

Caffeine? Not on my campus! Vote Katherine Kane as your next Student President!

The STUDENTS surrounding her podium cheer.

STUART

Me fail election? That’s unpossible!

STUDENT

“The Simpsons” references are outdated.

STUART

Not on my campus! Vote for Stuart Goldberg! Fucking do it.

The STUDENTS surrounding his podium awkwardly clap.

EXT all the STUDENTS.

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